


my pride isn't worth it

by wyverary



Series: i'm choosing my confessions [3]
Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: 90's AU, Ableism, Asian thea, Autistic Melitta, Breaking Up & Making Up, Bullying, Deaf Character, Disabled Character, Eating Disorders, F/F, Hanschen Melitta and Thea are siblings, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Summer, brief but also, deaf thea, disabled anna
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-13 15:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9130327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyverary/pseuds/wyverary
Summary: they're trying their best(aka summer 1996 & things don't turn out great)





	

**Author's Note:**

> a wise man once said "theanna is the only good thing in the whole world"  
>   
> that man
> 
> was albert einstein  
>   
> this is a sequel to imaginary grace so read that first but u dont /have/ 2 read love is a hell 
> 
> warnings 4 mentions of the r slur (no actual use of it tho)/ableism against autistic ppl, vomit, & references 2 homophobic hate crimes  
> heads up - ive stated this before but im hearing & physically abled so tell me if something is Bad bc i would like 2 know & fix it  
>   
> title from "complicated" by heavens to betsy

The pool is warm but the summer is warmer. Thea’s skin is sticky with sweat. She and Anna lounge on plastic chairs on the deck. Music buzzes from the tape deck. The telephone wires are burning and so is the air they breathe.

Melitta comes outside in her faded red swimsuit. She’s the kind of person who waits to adjust to the water before getting in. Her toes go in first, then her feet, then her legs. The song has already changed by the time she dunks her bushy red hair into the artificial blue.

“You know you guys could switch to CDs if you’re gonna play music,” she says as she comes up for air. Her hands move through the humidity like it was molasses. 

Thea pushes up her sunglasses to look at Melitta, stares for a good twenty seconds, and then shrugs and returns to her magazine. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees her sister shrug, too, before plugging her nose and ducking under the water.

* * *

Truth be told, being gay didn't get much easier when you weren't the only one. It wasn't easy when Thea leaned away from her lips even if they were alone. It wasn't easy when there was nobody else she could talk about it with; she couldn't very well go to her parents, like a _normal kid_. Maybe Anna just wasn't one of the lucky ones.

Who were the lucky ones, anyway? The ones who didn't get robbed and beaten? The ones who didn’t get shot by their friends? The ones who lived past thirty? 

Anna didn't like thinking about it.

* * *

The first time Thea saw her sister cry was when she was ten and Melitta was eleven. Throughout their childhood, Thea had been a force to be reckoned with, but she still always wished she had her sister’s steel bones and thick skin. Her sister’s ability to catch criticisms and let them go without so much as a grimace (Thea could hold a grudge for years). That part of her life was over once she came home and found her curled up on the shag carpet of their shared room, sobbing. 

Thea wouldn't learn what the “r” word was until later. Melitta seemed to be learning lots of new words in middle school.

* * *

Anna’s parents were good, all things considered. They weren't cruel; they weren’t the parents who treated their disabled kids like second-class citizens. They gave her the resources she needed. She could do a lot worse.

She still knew they wouldn't understand. They were rich and republican, and even if she wasn't dating a girl, if she was dating a boy like she was supposed to, they had better things to do than get involved in her life.

* * *

Thea and Hanschen were sixteen. When Hanschen came home the morning after being kissed in Ernst Robel’s rusty pickup truck, Thea couldn't be so excited for him. If she was bitter because she and Anna had broken up a week ago, they didn’t need to know.

Thea didn't eat much anyway, but now what she _did_ eat she threw up. No reason to keep it down if nobody would love her. Anna said she couldn't keep seeing her if Thea’s heart wasn’t in it, but she knew Anna looked at her and saw nothing but fat and sweat and dirt. That’s what Thea saw in the mirror, anyway.

* * *

It was on the first day of kindergarten that Anna got in a fight.

She’d only been in the county for a month (and elementary school for ten minutes) and some fourth graders already thought it would be funny to push her out of her chair. Anna tried to crawl back on her arms, but every time she did, one of them rolled the chair further from her. At some point, she just slumped on the ground and watched with blurry eyes as they laughed. Until they weren't laughing anymore.

Some tiny girl with black hair pulled back in french braids was yelling at them in an accent Anna didn't recognize and gesturing wildly, while a tall redhead stood by her side trying to hold her back. Anna didn't think she'd seen anything as beautiful as the fire in this girl’s eyes. Some of them looked scared already, but some of them just laughed more. They all stopped laughing when the redhead punched one of them in the jaw. Then they scattered.

The redhead faced Anna.

“I’m Melitta Rilow, I’m in first grade, and this is my sister Thea. Who are you?” 

All of this she said in the fast, oversharing way that only a kid can. Anna was still stunned but managed to push herself onto her knees and stutter her name.

The girl next to Melitta--Thea--tapped her sister’s shoulder and looked at her curiously. Melitta responded by rapidly moving her hands.

Anna knew vaguely what sign language was, but not enough to understand.

“What are you doing?”, she asked.

Melitta turned to her sister in question before answering. 

“Thea is deaf, so I translate for her.”

Anna looked at Melitta and said, “Can you tell her ‘thank you’?”

“You can tell her yourself”, Melitta brought her hand up to her face and then away again slightly. Anna turned to Thea and repeated the motion, and Thea smiled and signed back.

“She says she’s glad to help you out,” said Melitta. Anna smiled back at them.

Thea turned to look at the boys at the other end of the yard and her face turned sour. She signed something else and Melitta blushed. 

“I probably shouldn't translate that.”

* * *

She was at a sleepover when Wendla found her passed out against the bathroom tiles, a string of spit connecting her mouth to the toilet. Thea didn't hear Wendla or the ambulance, but the screams were nearly the same.

* * *

Anna missed being able to look straight at Thea wherever they went and know exactly what she was thinking. She loved being able to have their own world for just a moment where inside jokes meant being sacred and safe. 

Now she couldn't look at Thea without wanting to cry. She hadn't expected Thea to drop everything and kiss her in the mall, but she'd really thought she mattered enough for Thea to fight for her ( _like before_ ). Instead, she'd sort of just...stood there. 

Anna longed for her fiery eyes.

* * *

The emergency room isn't too bad. The psych ward is what really sucks. It’s cold there and even though the windows are clear, no light seems to shine through. Nobody here knows Sign, and Thea’s no good at lipreading, so there's no point in talking to anyone there. She mostly just sleeps.

There's one other girl in her room, and she's patient enough to write down what she says when she talks to Thea, and they get along fine, but it’s hard to get close to people in here anyway. Tragedies can’t relate to each other in places like this. As far as she knows, the other girl did something like an overdose and they're waiting for her parents to call. So far, there's no proof her parents even know she's in the hospital, or that they're alive at all. But Thea doesn't want to pry.

Hanschen and Melitta come to visit her every day, and she almost wishes they wouldn't. They come into the room looking the way they always had, but they see Thea at her weakest. 

“ _Wendla and Martha hope you’re doing better._ ”, signs Melitta (not speaking so it stays private).

Thea smiled, but she didn't miss the look that passed between Hanschen and Mel. She knew what it meant: _Anna_.

That was enough visitation for today.

* * *

The thing about visiting your recently-ex-girlfriend in the mental hospital is that you know it’s your fault. Thea is too proud to say she blames Anna or that she doesn't want to talk to her, but why wouldn't she be thinking those things? 

It didn't take a lot of convincing for her parents to drive her over. Ever since they moved here, their families had been close, albeit in that rich people way where it was obvious they actually hated each other. Anna got an earful on the drive over about how irresponsible Thea had been. She wondered what they would think when they found out she was to blame.

* * *

Thea had to snap at some point.

She hit the table and signed, “ _I swear to God, it isn't your fault! Stop saying it is!_ ” 

Something inside her lit up after a week of numbness. It wasn't really anger, it was something intense and unknowable and it warmed her insides.

“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to make sense of all of this,” said Anna as she signed. She didn't look put out by Thea’s reaction. She looked hopeful. “You know I love you, right?”

Thea’s mind went blank. Her fingertips were numb. Anna’s hands met hers and Thea could only cry.

* * *

They had things to talk about. Both of them had issues that love wouldn't necessarily solve. That much was clear. 

Thea was out of the hospital on certain conditions. Anna knew she’d hoped nobody would acknowledge what happened. Unfortunately for her, their friends were caring people. Wendla hadn't been allowed to visit her in the ward, but she was the first to check up on her after. She came up to the Rilow house with a basket full of flowers and pop and the two of them cried a bit but mostly just watched tv.

Thea went over to Anna’s house with Melitta and things were more stable and they were kissing regularly again and dating and together in every sense of the word. 

Talking always made things worse; couldn’t they just stay like this?

They sure could, but they wanted to be better for each other.

**Author's Note:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> this could have been worse i almost put the summary as "its summer i got my hat on backwards and its time to fuckin party"
> 
> also i know the tenses change a lot it's ~artistic
> 
> thearilow on tunmbl come send me hatemail


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